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ventilation. 09/30/14

wish i had a mentor to whom i can just run to in times of trouble (mother mary) and ask if i’m doing okay, going the right direction, doing the right thing… and genuinely be relieved by wise and comforting advice and confirmations. 

but no, life chooses not to be laid out so plainly. i guess my greatest and only mentor would have to be trial and error. the best teacher of all. i just have to take more risks. more risks, more mistakes, more lessons… the question is whether or not i can afford such grand mistakes when i’m living for someone else. 

sometimes i’m not sure at all if i’m the director or the actor in my life movie. maybe i’m just the cinematographer. i’d actually be happy with just that role. because life is about making life beautiful! it’s all aesthetics. the beauty of this. the beauty of that.

but sometimes i wonder.

what if everything i say is a lie, even to myself, and i don’t even realize it? because i’m just human. i can only realize thing to a limit. there is knowledge way beyond our knowledge. 

i can’t stop with my what ifs. i’ve been so conflicted lately.. i hope this passes soon.

vows. 09/30/14

quitting the job i hate does not make me a quitter.

quitting the job i hate does not make me a quitter.

quitting the job i hate does not make me a quitter.

i will quit this job for a lesser paying job that is more enjoyable.

i will quit this job for a much lesser paying job that is more enjoyable.

i will quit this job for a much much lesser paying job that is much more enjoyable.

i will not chase money.

i will chase things that give me energy.

i will leave all things that suck the life out of my soul.

i will follow all things that support the development of my true character.

i will follow things that bring out my creativity, talent, passion…

i will not let others make me feel small.

i will not make others feel small.

i will not give up on searching for my passion.

i will always live for passion.

there is a difference between quitting and giving up.

i am quitting, but i am not giving up.

i will believe in myself so that others won’t constantly have to tell me that they believe in me.

i will rely on myself only, but still remain vulnurable and soft enough to ask for help when necessary.

i will help others more.

i will try harder to love myself.

i will not take life too seriously.

i will joke around more.

i will let down my pride when it is the hardest to let down my pride. i think that’s when it is most necessary to do so.

i will try to be more approachable. or look like it..

i will spend more time thinking about great ideas, less about people of the past.

i will always remain as the one that cares more. i will stop trying to protect myself too much, i will always believe that compassion is the door to love. i will try to remember that those who are the most difficult to love are the ones that need it the most. 

i will listen more and observe more - talk less and judge none. 

i will stop having casual sex. 

i will separate more time for reading. i will practice creative speech & writing.

i will apologize first. 

i will control my impulses.

scratch that. impulsiveness is fun. i’ll hold off on this til i’m maybe 28.

i will stop drinking so much beer.

i will not let my rollercoaster emotions lead to irreversible consequences. i will be more professional.

i will think long term. i know. it’s hard for impatient people like me. but it’s really part of growing up.

i will stop thinking about mom’s death and crying about things that haven’t even happened yet. 

i will live by these vows.

How come I’m affected by everything.

I feel too much and care too much

sorakeem:

“Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”

— Louis C.K. 

Constantly looking for guidance… Thank God for quotes - they’re awesome for being brief and deep… and the concept of it - they are the world and its starstuffs’ contributions that stay with the world. Hopefully the really good quotes carry on for thousands of years or until language simply..somehow..goes extinct. If you think about it quotes are like random people’s lives perceived in a sentence or two… and the cool part is where you relate to it because you experience similar circumstances and cope with it, or attemp to, in similar ways through their lessons.

(Source: psych-facts)

I must love in order to live.

Why am I so afraid to reach out? If I’m so unafraid of vulnerability.. If vulnerability is one of my favorite qualities about myself.. Why can’t I utilize it when it is most necessary to?

I cannot understand myself. I wonder if anybody truly comprehends their own thought processes and behaviors. Of course it’s possible to figure out what shapes thoughts and actions, but just…why?

If these mysteries are supposed to be what constitute the intrigue of life, then my perception of intrigue is out of this world. I love mystery, don’t get me wrong…

I get too lost and deep into things and sometimes it takes awhile to climb back out of the hole I dug. 

Please get me out of here

blastedheath:

Jonas Wood (American, b. 1977), Schindler Apts, 2013. Oil and acrylic on canvas, 132 x 112 in.

Wish I had such painting skills.

blastedheath:

Jonas Wood (American, b. 1977), Schindler Apts, 2013. Oil and acrylic on canvas, 132 x 112 in.

Wish I had such painting skills.

(via nectarinemint)

spenserstevens:

“Someday you’ll find the right person, and you’ll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That’s what I think. So don’t settle for anything less. In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount”

— Haruki Murakami

Murakami-san always has the rightest words.

(Source: psych-facts)

Note to Self #1687463

Think of it this way.

Think of it that way.

Change your perspective as many times as you need.

Then your circumstances will change accordingly.

Inner change is not easy - just like growth, it takes time. It’s going to take a lot of practice, frustration, commitment, bouts of surrender…

But if it’s all for your self-improvement… then you’ve got to believe it’s damn worth it.

Keep changing. Day by day, minute by minute…

Isolate yourself if you have to. 

"That project, Arcangel says, was about finding the unassuming moments of beauty that often get overlooked in the digital world. ‘At that time, people weren’t looking at those graphics like that. Those things weren’t considered beautiful.’"

Super Mario Clouds, Cory Arcangel, 2002.

If a family member criticizes you for being your true self.. and disrepects your beliefs, dreams, goals…does not believe that you are smart enough to make it.. 

It is okay to leave.

You must leave. 

i was chanting “great literature creates its own form” out loud so i don’t forget, and when i opened my tumblr dashboard to post that quote, this post^ was in my face. so here is a meta post. 
i like when things connect. they give me the (dis)illusion, at least, that events in life have purpose when they collide.
but bottom line: “Great literature creates its own form.”

i was chanting “great literature creates its own form” out loud so i don’t forget, and when i opened my tumblr dashboard to post that quote, this post^ was in my face. so here is a meta post. 

i like when things connect. they give me the (dis)illusion, at least, that events in life have purpose when they collide.

but bottom line: “Great literature creates its own form.”

(Source: kristenmerieandacupoftea, via ldyprdx)

People whose freedom is taken away always end up hating somebody. Right? I know I don’t want to live like that.

—Haida